Saturday, August 30, 2014

CAUTION--foul language.

You know that tingly feeling you get, you get all jumpy and antsy, and you wish you had gone sooner, hadn't waited too long, it may be too late, cause your gonna burst...and someone is in the way?

You...push them off the computer chair, and you sigh a sigh of relief as your fingers starting typing out all that has been pent up in stories in your head?! What were you thinking????

I've recently read a lady's blog, Momastary, which is amazing, and she write a post about how she's been watching a less that kid friendly Netflix show, and then one day while playing UNO with her two young kids, she lets out a 'UNO bithches!' and shocks herself and her kids, and her hubby, and probably a lot of her Christian followers.  I was like, oh my goodness, she said 'THAT!' I'm pretty sure I've never said 'THAT.' (not out loud or any thing).

 Well I've been feeling kind of jittery, and daddy has Luke, the Leukemia kid, out for his first camping night, since before diagnosis, nearly three years ago.  It's bringing up a lot of memories for me, and I'm remember that one and only family camping trip we took three summers ago, to the same site they are at tonight.  It sucked.  Luke was four, he was miserable, he was pale, cold, sick, grumpy, and apparently, he was coming down with Leukemia, which we had no clue.

So, I'm a little rattled.  September has a lot of important events for Childhood Cancer Awareness Month.  A Lot of events.  I feel overwhelmed by them, I feel like I want to support them all, but am so tired, and we have chemo still, steroids still, homeschooling is starting, I have a toddler, I have a lot to do.  September is a time when us moms rally and rant about gold gold gold, so we can have people hear our voices, see our kids, make a difference, find better cures.  It's really  really important.  But, so are all the other months.  And days.

I've got some close friends up on 4 North, our oncology ward.  It makes me feel sad and scared, guilty and angry.  It is nearly impossible to enjoy a day, a day we all deserve to enjoy, when there is so much burden and grief right..there...sitting right there...and we go on...I know how that feels first hand..and second hand. It aches.

Yes, it's a ramble.

Summer has pretty much come to an end, and for whatever reasons and excuses, the people I used to see, I didn't really see once.  I saw a couple, but not really the ones I used to chum with.  There are new situations, new friends (shhh, the ones who don't know me too well, still want to hang around!)--but the summer came and went, and I was pretty much...here.  As always.  Kinda a little pathetic, eh! I'm not sure what happened, or where I've gone.  Maybe I've retreated more into my ways and world, as we tend to do.

So with all that being said, and a lot I wont and can't say....tonight, I was stressed.  My one sick kid, isn't here, the other four weren't going to bed properly, and I may or may not have let fly a big old bad word.  A word even worse than the quote above, about UNO.  I was wearing jogging pant, and practicing walking in my thrift store heels, I was fed up, I found the last sip of Baileys, the 9 year old was crying so loud, I videoed him and threatened to post it on Facebook.  (judge me not, you never know when you may need these proofs of bad behaviour ).  And then out of my mouth came the big, bad, baddest word. The F word.  None of my kids heard it really, or understood its meaning (remember the other joys of homeschooling besides wearing sweat pants all day, is lack of school ground learning/swear- word learning), but none the less, I said it. Oh, and  I said it loud.

So. There you have it.  I didn't think I'd admit it, I thought I could go to sleep with all this on my chest, wake up and get ready for church, but no, I confess it all.  I'm a mess, I yell at my kids, I occasionally wear inappropriate bedtime foot wear, I can let a bad bad bad word fly, I can complain, and be thankful, and be human.  We can all be human, we can all laugh at ourselves, and we can all move on, and expect tomorrow to be a better day.  So, if you feel down about yourself, and you want a good laugh..picture this lost mama, looking for your youth, looking for her Bailey's, looking for peace in the storms, and making so many mistakes along the way.

Phew, glad I let that out, now I can hopefully sleep with a little more peace--if there is any room for ,me in 'my' bed, which apparently can conveniently sleep a multitude of children, who can sleep in any direction. Peace out.


Friday, August 29, 2014

Christ mas in August? Oh ya baby...bold

It's been ages since I've blogged.  Been too busy.  Busy being busy, busy with 5 kids.  Busy trying to get our lives back on track.  Busy being sad, angry, thankful, lonely, joyful..the usual.

Christmas.  Yes, I said Christmas.  Today, me and my older two were talking about the world.  The world 'we' live in here in Canada.  Where we have water, food, a house, heat, air conditioning, toys, games, clothes, toys, books, furniture, toys...etc.  I told them about the world, the rest of the world that doesn't even have any toys, or many clothes, hardly any home...often no food ...or water.  They listened, but they didn't just listen, I could tell, they felt.  They felt what we were discussing.  We then discussed Christmas.  The time of year when we get free passes to ask for any amount of any greedy things we want, and kind of expect to get it..the kids too, not just me.  Oh ya, and it IS the birth day of our Saviour, King, and Lord...but mostly, we wait for gifts, make lists...and for us grown ups..we spend a LOT of money.  Money we don't have, money we go in debt for, money we are currently thousand upon thousands in debt for.  We buy our kids toys, clothes, games, video games, candy.  We then later complain that they have too many toys, clothes, games, video games..and candy.  We pick up after them and wash hordes of laundry.  We store toys in bins upon bins, and curse every Lego we step on (and sometimes cut our feet open on).  We then go on to buy gifts for friends, in laws, grandparents, hospital staff, neighbours, pastors, and then some.  We buy, we make, we create, we buy crafts and food to create and make. We wrap, we stamp envelopes, print photos, send cards...and it goes on and on and on.  When we finally finish (and some of us start in August, to spread out the financial burden)--we feel 'it's not enough for so and so' so...we add more to that gift.

That 'gift' to me, is becoming a burden.  A big, dark, looming Christmas BURDEN.  I love Christmas.  The snow, the food, the family time, the tree, the lights, the joy, the birth of Christ.  I hate that I expect to 'get' stuff I need/want.  I hate that I feel the need to please the people I'm purchasing for.  I hate that I have to add and add and add and add to the gifts to make them ENOUGH.

ENOUGH.  My husband is totally going to know I've lost it, and I probably have, but it's still August, and I say ENOUGH.  (I did take my anxiety meds this morning, honest, I did).  I am NOT buy Christmas gifts this year.  Nope.  It isn't a punishment.  It's a freedom!  I wont disclose how much this single income, five kid, one with cancer, and homeschooling family is in debt, it's big, and it's ours, and it's not going to pay itself off.  I'm not a scrooge, I think the day can be lovelier without the hype of what you got, what you get.

I ain't buying no one nothing, so don't take it personally.  I'm planning on making some stuff with what I've got, or find...I'm going to try to save some money to pay off what we already owe.  I'm planning to spend SOME of what we'd spend (500-1000$) on a charity, for those who don't even have WATER or FOOD.  I'll offer time and talent where it's needed.  I'll give lists to family members who are so sweet and generous, and give my kids gifts.  I'll enjoy meals, help cook, and light festive lights.  I'll celebrate my Jesus and I'll enjoy the blessed day.

I just ain't buying no one, nothing, and I pray and hope my kids feel that I love them through this, not punish them...

One more game, one more toy, one more anything isn't nearly as precious as one more day together, making cookies and being God's children.

Here's to hoping hubby is on board, and this will be a GREAT holiday to look forward to.  I'm tired of dreading it, and hoping to spend it with those who we love.

Is this about cancer, or Luke?  Absolutely.  He's received more gifts, more coloring books, toys, and things than we can house here...he's loved them..but that passes...he's asked me more....to see people, and to see family and friends..that's what makes him feel loved.  That's what lasts.

God Bless, and God willing this Christmas will be the kind I love!